Why I should host the Oscars

Other types of trophies.
Oscars are just trophies. How hard are they to give out?

I am not a movie star, I don’t have a hit TV show, my song-and-dance days ended in high school, and I am not Tina Fey or Amy Poehler. But I believe that I am qualified to host the next Oscars telecast. Let me tell you why and how I would change the Oscars.

I’d be less offensive.

Several times over the past few years, the Oscars picked an “edgy” host and were shocked — shocked! — that something offensive was said. (I will say that Seth McFarlane’s John Wilkes Booth joke was hilarious, though.) I believe you can be funny without being offensive, which is important when you have a nine-year-old in the audience.

I’d make the telecast much shorter.

Do we really need 3 1/2 hours to hand out 23 awards? As a Little League president, I gave out trophies to 6 championship teams of 12 players each, and we were done by lunch. If I hosted the Oscars, we can finish in a hour tops and still have enough time for the Life of Pi visual effects team to finish their acceptance speeches. How would I do it?

I’d eliminate the skits.

Oscars are about movies. If you want to see a skit, go to a summer camp.

I’d cut down on the musical productions.

We’d only have an opening number, a performance of each of the nominated songs, and a song by Jennifer Hudson. (Jennifer Hudson should sing at every Oscars telecast from now on.) To save time, I would have Jennifer Hudson sing all of the songs in one number. But if Adele were nominated, I’d have her sing her own song.

I’d eliminate the red carpet.

Why do women spend a school district’s annual budget on an outfit they’ll only wear once, can’t walk in, and have Joan Rivers ridicule them for wearing it the next day? Why not have people dress in nicely tailored business suits, like they did in World War II? They would be less expensive, more comfortable, and less prone to wardrobe malfunctions.

I wouldn’t take what we do too seriously.

We’re not trying to change history (except for Quentin Tarantino). Yes, there are movies that address social ills, force us to look at the dark side of human nature, and teach us to treat the poor and the outsider with respect and love. But most movies are a way to entertain ourselves, take someone out for a date, or pacify the kids for a couple of hours.

So, those are the reasons why I should host the Oscars, and why I probably won’t. Perhaps I can interest you in a screenplay instead.