American politics have changed in recent years to become even noxious and confusing. So, as a public service, here are the differences between the different groups in the American political spectrum.
What They Think Government Should Do
| Far-Left | To turn the United States into Denmark, including all those bicycle paths and quaint brightly painted houses. |
| Liberals | Make Americans feel good about themselves, to keep them from hurting themselves, and to prevent anything that would make them feel sad. |
| Conservatives | Stay out of people’s lives – except when it gives them big tax breaks, plum building contracts, and favorable labor and environmental laws, or when they want to ban music, movies, or sexual practices they don’t like. |
| Far-Right | Disappear until they need to sue an ex-compound member for writing an expose about them. |
| Alt-Right | Serve rich white men. |
How They Get Their News
| Far-Left | Conspiracy websites and Facebook memes. |
| Liberals | CNN, MSNBC, PBS, Huffington Post, Slate, Vox, New York Times, Washington Post, various books on political science, Upworthy, their weekly discussion group, The Daily Show, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Real Time with Bill Maher, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, and that clip from The Newsroom about “Why America isn’t the greatest country in the world anymore.” |
| Conservatives | Fox News. |
| Far-Right | Conspiracy websites and Facebook memes. |
| Alt-Right | Make it up. |
Car They Drive
| Far-Left | Want a Tesla but they can’t afford it on their Starbucks salary. So, they drive a rusted 1973 Chevy Nova. |
| Liberals | Considered buying a Tesla, but needed room for the kids’ soccer team. So, they bought a Toyota Sequoia (with flip-down LCD screens and DVD player). |
| Conservatives | Traded in the Toyota Sequoia for a Tesla because the neighbors have them. |
| Far-Right | Wanted to save on car registration fees and avoid getting smog checks, so they drive a rusted 1973 Chevy Nova. |
| Alt-Right | Never leave the house. |
Views on Healthcare
| Far-Left | Everything can be cured with medical marijuana. |
| Liberals | Everything can be cured through Obamacare. |
| Conservatives | Everything can be cured through high-priced insurance and medical care. If you can’t afford it and die, then you’re just a worthless sponge on society we can all do without, so it all works out anyway. |
| Far-Right | Everything can be cured through health food and prayer, because who trusts those evil doctors? |
| Alt-Right | Everything can be cured by letting lower- and middle-class people die so the rich can harvest their organs. |
Views on Gun Control
| Far-Left | Oppose guns because they prefer using plastic explosives and nails. |
| Liberals | Want to ban handguns, assault rifles, shotguns, BB guns, cap guns, toy guns (even those in fluorescent colors so they cannot be confused with real guns), depictions of guns in TV and movies, because firearms hurt people and make loud noises. |
| Conservatives | Support gun ownership even though they have never even seen a gun themselves. |
| Far-Right | The more guns, the better! |
| Alt-Right | Prefer doxxing and online harassment because they don’t know how to use guns. |
Views on Israel and Palestine
| Far-Left | Support the Palestinians because they hate Jews. |
| Liberals | Support a two-state solution because they feel sorry for the Palestinians and hate Jews. |
| Conservatives | Back a strong Israel as crucial for furthering American interests and democracy in the region. They also fear that an Arab victory would cause Jews to move here, and they hate Jews. |
| Far-Right | Vehemently support Israel because of its place in Biblical prophesy, and they hate Jews. |
| Alt-Right | Want all Jews to move to Israel and hope they and the Palestinians kill each other because they hate Jews. |
Views on Russia
| Far-Left | Consider Russia as evil because they lost the Cold War and left us stuck with capitalism. |
| Liberals | Consider Russia as evil because they invaded their neighbors, seek to break up the EU and NATO, allow war crimes in Syria, murder journalists and opposition party members, repress LGBT people, and because Vladimir Putin looks better in a suit than our politicians do. |
| Conservatives | Consider Russia as evil because if they admit they’re happy for helping them elect the president they want, they would look like traitors. |
| Far-Right | Consider Russia as evil because they’re not Americans. |
| Alt-Right | Consider Russia as evil because Vladimir Putin has frequently declined their requests to lick his firm, beautifully sculpted thighs. |
Views on the Role of Education
| Far-Left | To teach children that America sucks. |
| Liberals | To make children feel special by valuing self-esteem over learning, critical thinking, and hard work. |
| Conservatives | To prepare American children to work 21st century jobs by underpaying teachers and having them follow prescribed lesson plans to pass useless standardized tests. OK, so the 21st century jobs they want children to prepare for are at Walmart, but those Chinese-made garden tools don’t get on the shelves by themselves. |
| Far-Right | To make children obedient Christians. |
| Alt-Right | Don’t care about education because they hate children. |
Views on Censorship
| Far-Left | Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with. |
| Liberals | Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with. |
| Conservatives | Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with. |
| Far-Right | Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with. |
| Alt-Right | Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with. |
Views on Privacy
| Far-Left | Don’t worry about the government intruding on their online records because they can’t afford computers. |
| Liberals | Oppose intrusions on people’s privacy, unless it exposes an NBA team owner as a racist creep. |
| Conservatives | Oppose intrusions on people’s privacy, but is happy to give out personal information on social media, customer loyalty programs, contests, warranty cards, and so forth. |
| Far-Right | Already live “off the grid.” |
| Alt-Right | Don’t respect their own privacy, so why should they care about yours? |
Views on LGBT Rights
| Far-Left | Get angry if you leave off letters from LGBT. |
| Liberals | Wept through Moonlight. |
| Conservatives | Now support marriage equality since they realized how much money they can make on weddings and divorces. |
| Far-Right | Fear that transgender women may molest girls in public restrooms. But if a girl is raped by a straight man, she was obviously “asking for it.” |
| Alt-Right | Support equality, but only for those who share their views and only until they give them the Night of the Long Knives treatment. |
Views on Climate Change
| Far-Left | See it as a serious threat, but they don’t want to do anything about it because they want humans to become extinct. |
| Liberals | See it as a serious threat, but don’t want to do anything about it besides recycling, buying a hybrid car, and shopping with reusable bags because anything else would be inconvenient. |
| Conservatives | See it as a serious threat, but don’t want to do anything about it if it would hurt their stock portfolio in petrochemical companies. |
| Far-Right | See it as a serious threat, but don’t want to do anything about it because they see it as divine punishment for our sinfulness and for listening to scientists. |
| Alt-Right | See it as a serious threat, but don’t want to do anything about it would be cool to see Miami underwater. |