Getting to a healthy weight requires making permanent lifestyle changes over time. That hasn’t stopped Americans from looking for easy ways to drop extra pounds fast. Now thanks to the president, we have a way that is guaranteed to help you lose weight. It’s called The Poverty Diet.
It’s hard to resist those high calorie foods when they are easy to get. Who can pass up those bags of cookies when they are on sale at the supermarket? And why spend time cooking after work when you can pick up a value meal from the local fast food place? But when food becomes unavailable or too expensive to buy, those temptations go away!
Take eggs as an example. Remember when we complained they were $4.99 a dozen under the previous president? Now that they’re $9.99 a dozen, you can ration them like diabetics do with insulin once the price caps go away. If you have two eggs with breakfast, you can make do with one. You can use blood as a substitute for eggs in baking. (How you get that blood is your own business.)
Speaking of breakfast, substitute that expensive Canadian maple syrup with good ol’ American maple-flavored high-fructose corn syrup. And now that we’re rolling back civil rights, perhaps they can bring back brand names like “Aunt Jemima” for those who can’t enjoy pancakes without racism.
They say if you hate a people, you shouldn’t enjoy their cuisine. That explains why I couldn’t find any good bagels in Germany. But why eat tacos with fried corn tortilla shells and ground beef when you can have a cheese sandwich? Get two slices of store brand white bread, light mayonnaise, and the type of processed American cheese they gave away during the Reagan Administration. Nothing says American greatness like bland, textureless food lacking in nutritional value.
Exercise is another key part of a weight management program. The Poverty Diet has you covered there too. You’ll have to work three jobs just to make rent and keep the utilities on. Since most of them require physical labor, dodging dangerous equipment, running from unwanted advances, and elevating your heart rate by dealing with abusive customers, you can get a full workout for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. And thanks to repealing child labor laws and defunding Social Security and Medicare, this workout is available to young and old alike.
What kind of results can you expect from The Poverty Diet? People who have used it (like those in the 1930s and 1940s and people in poorer communities today) report increased levels of hopelessness, a lowered appetite for change, greater apathy, and a newfound desire to blame other suffering people for their problems. But they all lose weight, and that’s what matters.
Give The Poverty Diet a try. It’s not like we have any choice.