I’ve been thinking about Dad a lot lately. Today is the 95th anniversary of his birth, and August marks the 40th anniversary of his death. For a long time, I felt bitter because he didn’t teach me more about being a man. But as I reflect on his life and look at what’s happening in the world today, I’m fortunate he didn’t pass his generation’s views about masculinity to me.

In his soul, Dad was an artist. He excelled at drawing, a talent he passed on to me and my daughter. He was also an actor and performed in many student productions at the College of Marin. But he felt he had to set his talents and passions aside to make money. He drifted from civil engineering to photography and then to real estate. While he always made enough to provide for our family, the success he yearned for was always out of reach. This led him to a series of bad decisions that, combined with diabetes, ended his life at an early age.

I think about that as I reflect on the dueling Super Bowl halftime shows this past Sunday. Actually, it wasn’t much of a duel. The official Super Bowl halftime show performed by Bad Bunny crushed whatever TPUSA was doing—not just in viewership, but in cultural impact. My social media feeds have been filled with joyful images from the “Benito Bowl.” Beautiful details about the actual wedding ceremony on the stage, the multiple cameos from celebrities and Puerto Rican legends like Toñita, and the performers who were proud to dress up as a plant so they can be a part of this moment.

And the TPUSA show? It’s the same clips of that one generic country singer whining about “I just wanna catch my fish” and Kid Rock screaming out of sync.

I realized the two halftime shows were giving different visions of masculinity.

There’s the patriarchy Dad learned, and that overwhelms the world today. Masculinity means domination. It means seizing all the money, wealth, power, and control. And the endgame?  It’s what we see in the Epstein Files, where a handful of powerful men (and the women who enable them) can do whatever they want to whomever they want without limits and consequences. And the rest of the men who won’t get a sliver of wealth, power, and control? We saw the results at the TPUSA show. They either act in rage (like Kid Rock) or in sniveling complaint (like the generic country singer). For all its bravado and dick wagging, patriarchy is ultimately emasculating. It takes power away from everyone else so those higher up the food chain can gratify themselves.

I experienced that from my own dad. He visited a few years before his death when he was high on a recent business success (which turned out to be his downfall). He bragged about how he had sex with a 19-year-old in a hot tub. I said nothing at the time, but it struck me as incredibly unkind and selfish. I was 22 at the time—single, lonely, and overburdened with college, work, and taking care of Mom and my brother he left behind. When I could have used guidance on how to be a good romantic partner to women my age, he took one for himself!

A few years later, humbled after hitting rock bottom, he gave me advice about independence and being with women that gave me the encouragement to move to Orange County and eventually meet the woman who became my wife. That was the last time I saw him before he died.

Dad’s life showed why patriarchy is ultimately destructive, but Bad Bunny shows us a better way to be a man.

Bad Bunny didn’t commandeer the stage, but gave others a chance to shine, from Lady Gaga to the acrobats on the power poles.  He used his presence to highlight his culture, not himself. He was willing to take a backward leap, trusting his community to catch him. At the wedding, he changed into a suit in respect to the newlyweds. And at the start of “Monaco,” he took a moment to encourage the audience directly, “I’m here today at Super Bowl LX, it’s because I never, ever stopped believing in myself. You should also believe in yourself. You’re worth more than you think, trust me.” His performance was for us, not only for himself. That made the joy he radiated so infectious.

And there’s a lesson for all those guys who turn to “dating coaches” who look at women as trophies to be won. As “Tití Me Preguntó” points out, men who are good to women meet women who are good to them.

Perhaps the real issue the right has with Bad Bunny isn’t that he’s Puerto Rican or sang all his songs in Spanish. Perhaps it’s because he offers an image of masculinity that is removed from patriarchy. A masculinity focused on community, generosity, and compassion. A masculinity that respects women and embraces difference. A masculinity comfortable in its own skin that is free and joyful. The biggest threat to those obsessed with power and control is people who refuse to play their game. People who show that we don’t have to keep chasing wealth and power we’ll never have as we feed the AI-driven machine with an insatiable desire for our money and obedience. We can choose contentment, freedom, and love. That’s where we will find true happiness.

It’s a lesson Dad never learned, but it’s one that I, even at my age, can learn today. And Bad Bunny is an excellent teacher.

Related topics:

Humor: My take on Super Bowl history Dressing like a “loser” The war of art What I learned from earning Eagle Scout

Powered by YARPP.