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What to Say When You Dissect a Frog

By Matthew Arnold Stern

My daughter recently performed her first dissection in her seventh grade science class. I suggested to her that a good healthy dose of sick humor would help her get through the experience. Just don't try these at school (or home, for that matter).

That was delicious! Can I have the recipe?

Scalpel...clamp...sponges...Yes, I see the vitals. We're not ready to close up! We can still save this frog, I tell you! We CAN save this frog!

Teacher, it's against my religion to do something that's going to gross me out.

Today on MTV's Pimp My Frog, we're going to replace the heart with a 250-watt Sony XM-ready receiver and six-disc changer and put three-inch woofers in the stomach, and then we're going to paint the skin midnight black and put flames on the sides. And this will be one pumpin' frog!

OK, CSI team, you saw the autopsy. Do you still think Miss Piggy iced Kermit?

(Stab it repeatedly with the scalpel.) Die Frog Demon! Die! Die!

Look here. It says, "Made in China."

They call this "intelligent design"? (Don't use this in Kansas.)

I see the heart, the spleen, and the liver. But where is its soul?

I love the smell of formaldehyde in the morning...

Teacher, is it true that as soon as we're done, we're supposed to sew it back up, dress it like a mariachi, and sell it in a gift shop in Tijuana?

I don't care what the White House says. Wouldn't this still be considered torture?

What are these bite marks doing on its neck?

Do we get bonus points if we dissect it while it's still alive?

(Take out your cell phone.) Hello, PETA?

You know, Mr. Frog, if this were France, I would have only cut off your legs to eat for lunch and let the rest of you go.

Life! Give my creation life!

(Cut out the heart and hold it above your head.) O Mighty Quetzalcoatl...

And to think this could have turned into a handsome prince.

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