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Understanding American Politics

American politics have changed in recent years to become even noxious and confusing. So, as a public service, here are the differences between the different groups in the American political spectrum.

What They Think Government Should Do

Far-Left To turn the United States into Denmark, including all those bicycle paths and quaint brightly painted houses.
Liberals Make Americans feel good about themselves, to keep them from hurting themselves, and to prevent anything that would make them feel sad.
Conservatives Stay out of people’s lives – except when it gives them big tax breaks, plum building contracts, and favorable labor and environmental laws, or when they want to ban music, movies, or sexual practices they don’t like.
Far-Right Disappear until they need to sue an ex-compound member for writing an expose about them.
Alt-Right Serve rich white men.

How They Get Their News

Far-Left Conspiracy websites and Facebook memes.
Liberals CNN, MSNBC, PBS, Huffington Post, Slate, Vox, New York Times, Washington Post, various books on political science, Upworthy, their weekly discussion group, The Daily Show, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Real Time with Bill Maher, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, and that clip from The Newsroom about “Why America isn’t the greatest country in the world anymore.”
Conservatives Fox News.
Far-Right Conspiracy websites and Facebook memes.
Alt-Right Make it up.

Car They Drive

Far-Left Want a Tesla but they can’t afford it on their Starbucks salary. So, they drive a rusted 1973 Chevy Nova.
Liberals Considered buying a Tesla, but needed room for the kids’ soccer team. So, they bought a Toyota Sequoia (with flip-down LCD screens and DVD player).
Conservatives Traded in the Toyota Sequoia for a Tesla because the neighbors have them.
Far-Right Wanted to save on car registration fees and avoid getting smog checks, so they drive a rusted 1973 Chevy Nova.
Alt-Right Never leave the house.

Views on Healthcare

Far-Left Everything can be cured with medical marijuana.
Liberals Everything can be cured through Obamacare.
Conservatives Everything can be cured through high-priced insurance and medical care. If you can’t afford it and die, then you’re just a worthless sponge on society we can all do without, so it all works out anyway.
Far-Right Everything can be cured through health food and prayer, because who trusts those evil doctors?
Alt-Right Everything can be cured by letting lower- and middle-class people die so the rich can harvest their organs.

Views on Gun Control

Far-Left Oppose guns because they prefer using plastic explosives and nails.
Liberals Want to ban handguns, assault rifles, shotguns, BB guns, cap guns, toy guns (even those in fluorescent colors so they cannot be confused with real guns), depictions of guns in TV and movies, because firearms hurt people and make loud noises.
Conservatives Support gun ownership even though they have never even seen a gun themselves.
Far-Right The more guns, the better!
Alt-Right Prefer doxxing and online harassment because they don’t know how to use guns.

Views on Israel and Palestine

Far-Left Support the Palestinians because they hate Jews.
Liberals Support a two-state solution because they feel sorry for the Palestinians and hate Jews.
Conservatives Back a strong Israel as crucial for furthering American interests and democracy in the region. They also fear that an Arab victory would cause Jews to move here, and they hate Jews.
Far-Right Vehemently support Israel because of its place in Biblical prophesy, and they hate Jews.
Alt-Right Want all Jews to move to Israel and hope they and the Palestinians kill each other because they hate Jews.

Views on Russia

Far-Left Consider Russia as evil because they lost the Cold War and left us stuck with capitalism.
Liberals Consider Russia as evil because they invaded their neighbors, seek to break up the EU and NATO, allow war crimes in Syria, murder journalists and opposition party members, repress LGBT people, and because Vladimir Putin looks better in a suit than our politicians do.
Conservatives Consider Russia as evil because if they admit they’re happy for helping them elect the president they want, they would look like traitors.
Far-Right Consider Russia as evil because they’re not Americans.
Alt-Right Consider Russia as evil because Vladimir Putin has frequently declined their requests to lick his firm, beautifully sculpted thighs.

Views on the Role of Education

Far-Left To teach children that America sucks.
Liberals To make children feel special by valuing self-esteem over learning, critical thinking, and hard work.
Conservatives To prepare American children to work 21st century jobs by underpaying teachers and having them follow prescribed lesson plans to pass useless standardized tests. OK, so the 21st century jobs they want children to prepare for are at Walmart, but those Chinese-made garden tools don’t get on the shelves by themselves.
Far-Right To make children obedient Christians.
Alt-Right Don’t care about education because they hate children.

Views on Censorship

Far-Left Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with.
Liberals Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with.
Conservatives Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with.
Far-Right Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with.
Alt-Right Oppose censorship of views they agree with. Support the suppression of views they disagree with.

Views on Privacy

Far-Left Don’t worry about the government intruding on their online records because they can’t afford computers.
Liberals Oppose intrusions on people’s privacy, unless it exposes an NBA team owner as a racist creep.
Conservatives Oppose intrusions on people’s privacy, but is happy to give out personal information on social media, customer loyalty programs, contests, warranty cards, and so forth.
Far-Right Already live “off the grid.”
Alt-Right Don’t respect their own privacy, so why should they care about yours?

Views on LGBT Rights

Far-Left Get angry if you leave off letters from LGBT.
Liberals Wept through Moonlight.
Conservatives Now support marriage equality since they realized how much money they can make on weddings and divorces.
Far-Right Fear that transgender women may molest girls in public restrooms. But if a girl is raped by a straight man, she was obviously “asking for it.”
Alt-Right Support equality, but only for those who share their views and only until they give them the Night of the Long Knives treatment.

Views on Climate Change

Far-Left See it as a serious threat, but they don’t want to do anything about it because they want humans to become extinct.
Liberals See it as a serious threat, but don’t want to do anything about it besides recycling, buying a hybrid car, and shopping with reusable bags because anything else would be inconvenient.
Conservatives See it as a serious threat, but don’t want to do anything about it if it would hurt their stock portfolio in petrochemical companies.
Far-Right See it as a serious threat, but don’t want to do anything about it because they see it as divine punishment for our sinfulness and for listening to scientists.
Alt-Right See it as a serious threat, but don’t want to do anything about it would be cool to see Miami underwater.