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Humor: Understanding American Politics
American politics can be confusing to most people,
especially for us here in the United States. So, as a public service, here are
the differences between the different groups in the American political
spectrum.
Role of Government
| Far-Left |
To give every
person in the United States (whether they are a citizen or not) a living
wage, free medical care, free unfiltered Internet access, free computers,
free cars and everything else they are too lazy to earn themselves. |
| Liberals |
To make Americans feel good about themselves, to keep them
from hurting themselves, and to prevent anything that would make them feel sad. |
| Conservatives |
Want government to
stay out of people's lives – except when it gives them big tax breaks, plum
building contracts, and favorable labor and environmental laws or when they
want to ban music, movies, or sexual practices they don't like. |
| Far-Right |
Government is Evil. |
Car They Drive
| Far-Left |
Want a
hybrid-engine Toyota Prius, but they can't afford it on
their Starbucks salary. So, they drive a rusted 1973 Chevy Nova. |
| Liberals |
Considered buying a Toyota Prius, but needed room for the kids' soccer
team. So, they bought a Ford Explorer SUV (with flip-down LCD screen and DVD
player). |
| Conservatives |
Traded in the Ford
Explorer for a Toyota Prius
because the neighbors have them. |
| Far-Right |
Wanted to save on car registration fees and avoid getting
smog checks, so they drive a rusted 1973 Chevy Nova. |
Iraq
| Far-Left |
Want Iraq to be
restored to its democratically elected president, Saddam Hussein. |
| Liberals |
Want to pull out troops immediately and restore government
to unprepared local leaders – a strategy that worked well the last place
they tried it, South Vietnam. |
| Conservatives |
Want to keep troops
in long enough to secure the lucrative construction and oil contracts they
want. |
| Far-Right |
Next on the invasion list: Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia,
Canada, and France. |
Israel and Palestine
| Far-Left |
Support the
Palestinians because they hate Jews. |
| Liberals |
Support a two-state solution because they feel sorry for
the Palestinians and hate Jews. |
| Conservatives |
Back a strong
Israel as crucial for furthering American interests and democracy in the
region. They also fear that an Arab victory would cause more Jews to move here, and
they hate Jews. |
| Far-Right |
Vehemently support Israel because of its place in Biblical
prophesy, and because they hate Jews. |
Gay Rights
| Far-Left |
Believe gays,
lesbians, the transgendered, and transsexuals should
have the right to marry, adopt, and have sex in public whenever they choose. |
| Liberals |
Wept through The Lost Language of Cranes. |
| Conservatives |
Oppose same-sex
marriages but enjoy Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. |
| Far-Right |
Will renounce homosexuality as a degenerate, abominable
lifestyle as soon they finish sodomizing the choir boys. |
Gun Control
| Far-Left |
Oppose guns because
they prefer using plastic explosives and nails. |
| Liberals |
Want to ban handguns, assault rifles, shotguns, BB guns,
cap guns, toy guns (even those in fluorescent colors so they cannot be
confused with real guns), depictions of guns in TV and movies, because
firearms hurt people and make loud noises. |
| Conservatives |
Support gun
ownership even though they have never owned one themselves. |
| Far-Right |
Have more firearms than most metropolitan police forces. |
More Humor
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