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If I Controlled the MediaBy Matthew Arnold Stern We Jews don't give ourselves as much credit as those who hate us do. We are frequently depicted in the Arab media (especially those run by the governments of our supposed allies) as controlling the banks, the United States government, and of course, the media. If those people hung around us Jews long enough, they'd know we can't even agree on where to go to lunch, let alone how to control global finance. Jews don't control the media (nor the banking system, the United States government, or the size of the hole in the ozone layer). But I don't go to synagogue that often, so maybe I'm missing out on some good stuff. Perhaps if I were more religious, I could be running CNN. Such comments did get me to think how nice it would be if I really could control the media. It would certainly make promoting my book a whole lot easier. If I really could control the media, here is my first decree: No more Adam Sandler Hanukkah songs. Speaking of holidays, there would also be no more racist TV shows on Arab television during Ramadan. No more of this Horseman without a Horse forged Tsarist secret police garbage. Instead, how about showing how joyful Ramadan and Eid really are? Or maybe they can take one of our movies. They can have It's a Wonderful Ramadan where a Jimmy Stewart-looking man in a kaffiyeh would run through the streets shouting, "Eid Mubarak, masjid! Eid Mubarak, movie house! Eid Mubarak, you wonderful old Savings and Loan!" And whenever a muezzin sings, an angel gets its wings. But I'd spend most of my time fixing American TV. It has a greater need for an upper colonic than Arabic TV. For starters, reality TV has to go. Survivor is fun, and Fear Factor is interesting, but when reality shows start casting contestants from other reality shows, you know this genre has exceeded its expiration date. And if you're a burned out, messed up, or just plain obnoxious celebrity, no reality TV show for you. No one wants to see how loathsome you are, or how badly you messed up your life, or how intimate you can get with your newly wedded boy toy who you're just planning to divorce in a year. I will also decree that you can't get on television if your last name is Simpson – whether it is Jessica, Ashlee, or O.J. I'd ban MTV until they start showing music again. I'd get rid of VH1 permanently because it reminds me how old I am. If I controlled the media, the main thing I'd do is to start my own network. I'd call it the Star Trek network. It would show Star Trek 24 hours a day. It would show all the series. I'd show the original series with William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. (We Jews don't control the media, but we used to run the Starship Enterprise.) I'd definitely show Star Trek: The Next Generation, even the episodes with Wil Wheaton. Of course, I'd show Deep Space 9, Voyager, that cartoon series from the 1970s, and all the movies. And I will order more episodes of Enterprise. We need more episodes of T'Pol in a bikini rubbing decontamination lotion on herself. And when we run out of Star Trek episodes, we'd have talk shows about Star Trek, just like the History Channel has discussion shows about historical movies they air. We'd have Monster Garage-like build-it shows where macho guys with tattoos and big mustaches try to build the stuff they show on Star Trek. Who wouldn't want their own transporter or holodeck built into a 1977 Ford Econoline Van? Why would I create a 24-hour Star Trek station? Because it was the only show on television that showed a positive future for humanity. It showed how people from other cultures – even other planets – could work together in peace and harmony. In Star Trek, it doesn't matter how nasty and unbending an enemy you are, you'll eventually become buddies with the Federation. Remember the Klingons, the "Russkies" in space? They joined with the Federation and got forehead ridges and translations of Shakespeare in the process! The "resistance is futile" Borg? They joined the Federation too, or at least that good looking one. So, if we could work with people who wanted to blast us while cloaked if we drift into the Neutral Zone or assimilate us by sticking all sorts of metal stuff on our heads, don't you think that Jews and Arabs could one day live together in peace? If I controlled the media, those are the type of positive messages I'd give. People resolving their differences, overcoming tremendous challenges, and experiencing great adventures together. People building a better world. I'd then go on to control the banking system, or at least get them to stop charging so much to see a teller. Read the story behind this essay. Related TopicsLinks |
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